Love Bytes from Loving Honestly
#1 Living a Relational Life
The Love bytes newsletter encourages you to reflect on your romantic, family and personal relationships and how to show up as your best self within them. A big thank you to my regular readers. If you haven’t subscribed, hit the subscribe button below and share with your friends.
Living a Relational Life
In love there can be no winner or loser because when one wins, the other makes them pay for it in some way, making it a loss for both. Do you agree?
Competition among couples strips away the essence of love. It means someone is left in a state of loss, to fight another day. Sadly, many couples sees themselves as separate, mostly living in the ‘I’ realm. It’s what we know how to do.
There’s a different way to experience love. A more relationship oriented way of living that transcends the self and invites mutual reciprocity. This state of being is about creating an environment where both people are valued, balanced and grounded in equality and mutual respect. It’s called living a RELATIONAL LIFE.
In fact, living this way transforms not only romantic relationships, but family and personal bonds too. In a nutshell it means speaking from a relational rather than an individual point of view.
A few common examples of how to change from an individual to a relational tone.
Individual Tone Relational Tone
I need to you to listen There’s something important I’d love to share with you. Can I?
I don’t agree with you What I’m hearing is… Can I offer a different opinion/way of looking at it?
I need space I’d like to take some time to…
I can’t do this anymore I’m overwhelmed and feeling stuck, can you help me?
I’m sick and tired of always arguing I’m saddened by the way we talk to each other, would you mind if we try a different way?
I wish you would… Do you think you could…
Try it out and share your experience with me: firstname.lastname@example.org
This Month’s Client Question
- I often feel overwhelmed by anger or frustration and end up saying things I regret during a heated conversation. I try really hard to keep my mouth shut but I have an urge to punish him for the way I’m feeling. How can I stop myself before I say hurtful words?
- The simple answer is learn from your past and do something different. But the real answer is you need to become self-aware and that is a lifelong process.
Self-Awareness begins with:
- Accepting that you have difficulty regulating your emotions as do we all but perhaps you struggle that much harder. The human body is made to get highly aroused when in panic, under threat or danger. That’s the natural response. The blood moves from the brain and into the parts of your body that need you to prepare to fight-flight-freeze-faint. Just knowing this biological fact helps understand your feelings.
- Knowing you have the power to adjust this response. It doesn’t happen in the moment but it can happen with doing daily short practices to regulate your emotions and thoughts and bring yourself into the present moment. Depending on your lifestyle, you can try meditation, prayer, sitting in silence, writing, movement or some other practice to bring you back to yourself. Once you have a consistent practice, you build a trait for slowing down and metaphorically watching yourself in a normally high arousal experience that can arise.
- In time, you’ll catch yourself feeling agitated but able to bring yourself back to your mind and focus on what’s best in the situation. You’ll make better choices and even when you regress to old habits, it will be ok because you’ll do it less often. Being aware of yourself mean you’ll choose more positive responses than negative ones and in time will have a silent knowing that all is well (Equanimity).
Questions for Self-Reflection
- What do I need right now?
- Does what I’m feeling match what is happening right now, or am I being triggered by something from my past?
What do I need, for me to be able to face insert name of person you’re having difficulties with?
Zvisineyi Chiromo is a Relationship Coach and Speaker
who helps people heal loves wounds, live bravely
and enjoy healthy authentic relationships.
LH Coaching Limited
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