Falling in love can happen so quickly you hardly realize at which point the world began revolving around your new love. Once this happens, the goal for most is to commit, particularly in the time of adult dating.

Oftentimes the progression is smooth and ends in the couple settling down for the long haul. Of course others want to enjoy playing the field, taking their time, dating as many people as they wish till they choose to settle or remain free to mingle. 

When you fall for the wrong guy

Some people struggle to find a good match, instead they keep falling for the wrong person, the kind who just doesn’t reciprocate love in a mutual way. Taking the example of a woman who frequently starts over with a new man who initially ticks all the relationship boxes but over time stops reciprocating her attraction, care, respect and attention.

In most cases, this is a repeating pattern; meet, fall in love and sooner rather than later your partner shifts gears as if from nowhere. The love fades on his part and it’s a quick and sometimes slow relationship death spurred by arguments, misunderstandings, unanswered calls or broken promises.

Sadly, denial means constant heartache without the reassurance that it’s just a rough patch and everything will be ok again. This is the dilemma of many women and men too; the dilemma of falling for people who aren’t right for them. The unfortunate truth is, if this sounds like you, you most likely have some personal unfinished business that just doesn’t allow you to see the reality in front of you. He’s just not that into you or the one for you.

The right relationships heal and the wrong ones destroy

You are the one who not only has to heal from past hurts or traumas, but needs to be in a place of some self-acceptance of the unhealthy patterns in your life. 

Some women are luckier than others. They do meet a man who wants to build a relationship regardless of any trauma, failure or destructive need she may reveal. He sees her pain and still wants to fight for her. In cases like these, with trust, communication and deep connection the relationship provides a loving, safe and secure a place to heal. 

Regrettably, meeting someone who sees beyond your flaws doesn’t always happen. You might continue to attract those who mirror the hurt you have, feed off your insecurity and treat you badly because of your desperation for love. You may quickly fall into the trap of over-functioning while he under-functions. It gets worse if he’s the kind of man willing to ignore your pain in order to enjoy a few moments of a selfish relationship on his terms.

This kind of guy is not willing to have a relationship of mutual respect. He’s self-absorbed and unfortunately uses your disadvantage to his advantage. Unless you stop and take time to figure out why you attract men like these, you’ll repeat this cycle in future. A solution is to stop, identify your negative patterns, become self-aware and change.

Identify repeating patterns

It starts with you identifying the repeating patterns. Identifying that instead of it being John, it’s now Jack, Nick or Frank. They all come with their own sets of wants and needs that don’t resonate with yours. Take some time to notice your need, where you feel lack or where you overdo things. Simply start observing yourself.

In identifying the patterns, also pinpoint the traits of the kind of guys you attract. This becomes information or data you can use in picking the next potential partner. Notice whether your need is to be in a relationship or to fill a part of you by understanding the triggers that your body, mind and spirit express as sensations, feelings or thoughts when you feel desperate for his love. 

Ask yourself or someone you trust what usually happens when you start dating or what happens when he stops taking your calls? It takes time and courage to sit with yourself and to find the reason why you keep attracting guys not willing to reciprocate your love. Doing this sets in a process of self-discovery and an understanding of how you get into these unhealthy relationships.

Become self-aware and make positive changes

Healing doesn’t happen in an instant. The triggers will keep happening because you’ve solidified your relationship habits for years. What will save you from falling again is self-awareness to notice the signs and act differently. Self-awareness is also about reflecting on the kind of guy who is good for you, what he looks like, sounds like, how he carries himself and his consistent personal traits that can nurture true love. 

You’ll basically be looking for the one who will catch you when you fall, lift you up and strengthen you. You’ll also see the thread that runs through all the other guys who’ve abandoned, manipulated and didn’t want to be with you but did so because you were an easy target. 

Map out the woman you want to be and have a vision for the completeness you want to experience. Everything starts with being self-aware. Once you are, identify what needs to change, make active efforts to change it and finally make space for a new life, one with or without a new man ready to reach out and catch you, check on, be of service to and choose to love you. 

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